Navigating the Memory Maze: A Guide to Strengthening Your Relationship Amidst Disagreements

The Memory Battle

In the intricate dance of relationships, one recurring theme that often takes center stage is the inevitable clash of memories. How many times have you found yourself in a heated argument with your partner, each vehemently insisting that your version of events is the accurate one? Welcome to the battleground of recollections, a place where "I remember things differently (better) than my partner" becomes a common point of stuck-ness. Good news: there's a way to sidestep this losing battle and foster understanding and connection instead?

The Impact of Emotions on Memory Recollection

Memory is a complex and dynamic process influenced by various factors, and emotions play a pivotal role in shaping our recollections. Numerous studies in psychology, such as those by Loftus and Palmer (1974) and Kensinger and Corkin (2003), highlight how emotional experiences can enhance or distort memory. When emotions run high during a disagreement, it significantly impacts our ability to recall events accurately.

In the heat of an argument, the emotional intensity can interfere with the process of memory reconsolidation—the way memories are re-stored after retrieval. The emotional charge associated with the disagreement can overwrite or distort the original memory, leading to a situation where both partners genuinely believe their version is correct. Understanding this phenomenon is crucial for couples aiming to break free from the cycle of repetitive arguments and foster a healthier, more empathetic connection.

What to do: Shift Focus from Recollection to Emotion

To avoid the perils of the "I remember differently" impasse, couples can benefit from a strategic shift in focus. Instead of fixating on the details of who said what or the sequence of events, redirect attention towards understanding and acknowledging each other's emotions. By actively listening to your partner's emotions (repeat back what they said and name their emotion(s)), then expressing your own experience, you create an emotional bridge that transcends the limitations of conflicting memories.

Active listening involves tuning in not only to the words spoken but also to the underlying emotions. Use phrases like "I hear that you're feeling..." to convey empathy and validate your partner's emotional experience. This approach allows couples to connect on a deeper level, fostering emotional intimacy and paving the way for more constructive communication.

Pro tip: Pushing aside the internal drive to ‘just get them to see what I see’ and calmly listen is the hard part. This takes awareness, discipline, and practice - sort of like when a kid learns to let a piece of chocolate melt on their tongue to get more enjoyment out of it, instead of following their ‘instinct’ to just scarf it down and grab another.

Practical Strategies for Conflict Resolution

Begin by establishing a shared commitment (when things are calm) to understanding each other's emotions rather than winning the argument. Practice patience and humility, recognizing that both partners bring unique perspectives shaped by their experiences and emotions.

Introduce a "time-out" mechanism during heated discussions to allow emotions to settle before revisiting the conversation. This helps prevent the entrenchment of conflicting memories and creates space for rational dialogue. Additionally, consider keeping a shared journal where both partners can jot down their perspectives on significant events. This not only promotes open communication but also serves as a reference point to reflect on later.

The Power of Couples Counselling

Still stuck? Not to worry - research by Doss et al. (2017) underscores the effectiveness of couples counselling in improving relationship satisfaction and reducing conflict. A skilled therapist can help couples unpack their emotions, explore underlying issues, and develop communication strategies that go beyond the limitations of memory disputes. Investing in couples counselling is an investment in the health and longevity of the relationship.

Conclusion: Building Bridges, Not Barriers

In the ever-evolving narrative of relationships, the key to avoiding the losing battle of conflicting memories lies in prioritizing emotional connection over the pursuit of being right. By understanding the impact of emotions on memory, shifting focus from recollection to emotion, embracing the power of couples counselling, and implementing practical conflict resolution strategies, couples can build bridges instead of erecting barriers.

Remember, the goal is not to erase differences or best your partner with a better recollection of events, but to navigate friction with empathy and understanding of how they feel (even if it doesn't make sense to you). In doing so, couples can transform the "I remember differently" battlefield into an emotionally safe moment building intimacy and bolstering lasting connection.

‘Respect’, the Dirty Word in Therapy: Communication Strategies for a Stronger Marriage

In the realm of relationships, especially in marriages, the term 'respect' holds significant weight. It's a word that's frequently thrown around in discussions about successful partnerships, often viewed as the cornerstone of any healthy marriage. But what if I told you that the seemingly noble concept of 'respect' can sometimes be the cause of misunderstandings and conflicts within a relationship? In this blog post, we're going to explore why 'respect' is, in my humble opinion, a less-good-choice of word when communicating with your partner. We'll also delve into the alternative approach of labeling vulnerable emotions, which will pave the way for a stronger, more open connection between partners.

The Problem with the 'Respect' Conundrum

First off, respect is a loaded term, carrying different meanings for different people. When one partner tells the other that they don't feel respected, it often creates a communication breakdown. In one sense, it is a phrase for a variety of emotional needs and desires that might not be accurately communicated with just this one word. What one person perceives as a lack of respect might be interpreted differently by their partner.

This ambiguity can lead to frustration, defensiveness, and ultimately escalate conflicts rather than resolving them.

In many cases, when someone says, "You're not respecting me," the underlying emotions and concerns they're trying to express get lost in translation. It's not that respect itself is the problem, but the word's broad nature can be counterproductive in fostering understanding and problem-solving. Respect can communicate an assumption of ill-intent, or even the idea that my partner is maliciously trying to ‘disrespect’ me - both very unhelpful things to convey!

Emotion Labeling: A Bridge to Deeper Understanding

Instead of relying on the catch-all term 'respect,' what if we shifted our focus towards labeling emotions? This approach allows partners to identify and communicate their feelings more precisely. When one person is feeling hurt, neglected, unheard, or undervalued, these emotions can be pinpointed and discussed individually. By describing the emotions involved, couples can better navigate the complexities of their feelings and find more tailored solutions.

For instance, imagine a scenario where one partner has been consistently late for family gatherings. Instead of saying, "You don't respect my time," which might be met with defensiveness, the conversation could shift to, "I've been feeling frustrated and a bit hurt when you're late because I value spending time with our family. I really need you to do something to work on not being late please - like set a timer when you need to leave." This way, the conversation centers on the feelings and experiences of the speaker rather than making an accusation.

If you want the full technique - an ‘I statement’ goes like this:

I feel  (emotion)

… when

you (specific behavior)

…

this affects me because (state how the above behavior and the result affects you)

… I need (specific behavior)

**Ideally, say this when you are calm (ish)

The Benefits of Emotion-Focused Communication

• Clarity: By using emotion labeling, partners can clearly articulate their feelings and experiences, reducing misunderstandings and misinterpretations.

• Empathy: When one partner hears and acknowledges the specific emotions the other is feeling, it becomes easier to empathize and offer support.

• Problem Solving: Focusing on emotions allows couples to address the underlying issues causing those feelings, leading to more effective problem-solving.

• Open Dialogue: Emotion labeling encourages open dialogue and vulnerability, creating an environment where both partners can express themselves without fear of judgment.

• Connection: Sharing emotions fosters a deeper emotional connection between partners, strengthening the bond between them.

In conclusion, while 'respect' is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship, it's crucial to recognize that its ambiguous nature can hinder effective communication. By shifting the focus towards emotion labeling, couples can open up avenues for understanding, empathy, and connection. By identifying and discussing emotions like hurt, frustration, and worry, partners can bridge the gap between their experiences and work together to build a stronger, more resilient marriage.

I will also mention an ugly observation: over the years I have seen the word ‘respect’ used at times to bully or control a partner. If this is a trend, you’ll need outside help to create a change - which I can help with.

Empathic Listening: A Guide for Men in Conversations with their Wife

I’ve noticed in my years doing relationship therapy that my male clients have this same instinct as I do - when my wife tells me she is having a problem, I immediately and automatically move to do something to help - I enter ‘fix it’ mode as a default.

As it turns out, there is quite a lot of research showing that this is ‘a thing’ when it comes to men communicating with their female partners. Often, men find themselves instinctively trying to "fix" problems that their wives bring up in conversations because we care and want to help - and we want to do so efficiently. How nice it is that we operate our marriages like we operate our lawn mower - get things done quickly so we can move on through our day and our busy lives.

First off, Empathic listening is the ‘more effort but much better quality output’ way of communicating with your partner. Remember dads’ old saying “Do it right the first time” - well it applies here.

Also, for some reason I hate that saying (err… do I have work to do?). 

Pro tip: it's not needed 100% of the time you respond to your wife - just shoot for 30% of the time (especially when your wife has a stronger emotion) and you're good (probably)!

Empathic listening involves giving your partner your full attention, understanding their emotions, and (ideally) responding with genuine empathy (ie. feeling some of her emotion(s) with her). It's about creating a safe space for your wife to express herself without judgment, criticism, or immediate problem-solving.

Remember, acknowledging her emotions and way of thinking does not mean you agree!

The Benefits of Empathic Listening

Stronger Emotional Connection:

By actively listening and empathizing, you're showing your wife that her feelings matter to you. This builds a stronger emotional bond between you both.

Reduced Stress:

When your partner feels heard and understood, it can alleviate stress and make her feel supported, enhancing her overall well-being.

Effective Problem-Solving:

Surprisingly, empathic listening often leads to better problem-solving. When someone feels understood, they're more open to discussing potential solutions.

Practical Tips

• Give Your Full Attention: Put away distractions like your phone or TV, and maintain eye contact. Show that you're fully engaged in the conversation.

• Practice Patience: Allow your wife to express herself at her own pace. Don't interrupt or rush her; let her share her thoughts and feelings completely.

• Use Verbal and Nonverbal Cues: Nodding, making affirmative sounds ("I see," "I understand"), and maintaining an open posture all communicate that you're actively listening.

• Reflect and (ideally) label an emotion she is expressing: Periodically reflect what she tells you and the feelings back to her, e.g., "It sounds like you had a frustrating day.", “You seem a little sad about this, I hear you because with this turn of events….”

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of asking yes/no questions, ask open-ended ones that encourage her to share more. This shows your interest in her perspective.

• Avoid Judgment: Suspend judgment or criticism, even if her viewpoint differs from yours. Remember, you're there to understand her feelings, not debate them.

• Hold Back on Solutions: While it's natural to want to solve problems, sometimes she just needs to express herself. If she asks for advice, offer it; if not, wait until you have hung out in this ‘verbally processing emotions’ safe space you have created with her.

  Pro tip: if there is emotion present: give it at least 20 minutes before going into solutions mode, or if its really big - you can even wait until tomorrow, after she has gotten some good processing work done and is ready for solutions.

In Conclusion:

Remember, she didn't marry you so you would jump in and fix every problem she has in life. She can fix stuff herself most of the time (albeit maybe not the way we would)! Most importantly, she just needs a caring, compassionate partner who can hold space for her emotions. As you cultivate this skill, you'll find that your relationship becomes more resilient, nurturing, and fulfilling for both of you. And yes, it takes time/work (sorry, there is no cheat code for this!).

The Common Areas Of Friction In a Marriage, Explored.

While I am a big believer that working with the emotional tone of a marriage is truly the key to creating a fulfilling and lasting partnership, the content of arguments/friction often comes up in therapy, and sometimes couples want to get into the nitty-gritty. I have noticed there are 6 areas that cause couples friction within their partnerships - and that these areas can roughly be broken down into respective continuums.

I like to simplify things somewhat and frame it this way, so that couples can understand that:

• A) there IS at least some overlap between them and their partner in terms of their ‘default’ preferences, and

• B) that while these ‘defaults’ may not hugely change over a lifespan, that there are things that both parties can do to ‘flex’ towards their partner, and

• C) that even though they may never be in the same place on the spectrum (even if each person is maximally ‘flexing’ towards their partner), the effort that they put in to be flexible for their partner is seen by their partner, which very often helps the partner be more flexible themselves - and in a great many cases, an upward/positive feedback loop can create a massive improvement in the dynamic long-term 

1. Cleanliness / Tidiness 

I think we all know this spectrum intuitively, although many of my middle/upper class clients don't really know what the nasty end of the spectrum really looks like.

‘Crack-house dirty’ to ‘Military mom, white-glove clean’, I’ve noticed over the years that a lot of people seem to assume that their values with this are ‘the right ones’ or ‘are how it is supposed to be’... this ‘my way is the right way’ attitude can develop into a big power struggle, as daily tensions keep ‘scratching the wound’ over and over. As with many of the things on this list - flexibility is key here.

Make a basic plan/set of negotiated expectations for each other and learn to let it go, then drop the day-to-day frustrations. 

Pro tip: if you have a problem in the moment, tell your partner later that night or tomorrow once that spike of frustrated energy has dissipated - this will help them be more receptive.

2. Spender - Saver Dynamic

Fundamentally, what is money for? This can get pretty philosophical, but the long and the short of it is usually: does money provide security or safety (saver), or does money provide the pleasures and conveniences of life (spender). A stark difference between a couple’s values here can cause friction on a weekly or even daily basis when the ‘saver’ sees spending that he/she wouldn't have chosen.

There is always a conversation about how finances are split that can be helpful (ex. separate bank accounts for each other, or having a ‘fun’ account for one or both parties are a couple of options), or have a negotiation around what the ‘allowable limit’ for extra spending really is (and also what constitutes necessary vs. unnecessary spending), but fundamentally we need to honor the needs of the other and find a way to a middle ground or circumvent some of the issue by keeping (at least some) things separate to allow for autonomy.

Pro Tip: Honestly ask your partner some why questions - without judgement - about their perspective on money. What is it for and why? and why is that important? You may be surprised to find that their values come from a really difficult experience(s) growing up, or from a lifetime of ‘fun’ spending. There is no wrong answer here - but you do have a different history than your partner, so a critical starting place is awareness of that and some empathy.

3. Closeness to Family

In other words, how many hours of the week do you spend connecting with family? One 20 minute phone call every couple of months or an hour on the phone every day, plus dinner together most days? Or somewhere in between?

The differences can cause friction in many ways, most notably that a higher closeness with family means that inevitably those family members will influence that partner's thinking and decisions… which affects their spouse.

Often simple awareness and acceptance of culture, values, and why your partner is this way can be really helpful/transformative!

Pro tip: you aren’t going to change your partners’ values with this - so accepting it and making the best of it is the optimal approach here.

Also, sometimes we need something more, like boundaries….boundaries are tricky here because if we veer off into setting boundaries for our partners’ relationships we get into a territory called ‘being controlling’.... Which WILL lead to problems.

There is no easy answer here, so sometimes we need to really hash it out and look at small healthy boundaries when necessary/appropriate (ex. “Im just going to have a TV dinner alone at home for every second family dinner gathering”, or “please don't talk to me about your parents’ opinions”).

4. Parenting - Empathic and Protective or Teaching-Focused and Inflexible

In the most basic terms, there are a few traits that commonly go together which are often at odds with a co-parent who is not in the same place on the spectrum.

On one end of the spectrum, the parent who tends to:

• Feel a lot of emotion themselves and conveys those to the child

• Struggles to keep their own emotions in check (around parenting / their child)

• Gets really distressed seeing their child in distress

• Wants to protect their child from pain, and sometimes the challenges of life (which inherently involve some risk of emotional or physical pain)

Vs.

On the other side, a parent who tends to:

• Avoid seeing and attending to emotions in their child

• Uses practical strategies to ‘fix’ problems

• Tends to lecture, persuade, and convince their child using arguments/logic

• Is focused on teaching the child values

• Is more confrontational, and often less flexible

Based on research findings and conceptualizations in Emotion-Focused Family Therapy (EFFT), this continuum can be further broken down into 2 continuums - more on that later. For now, we can see and notice that there ARE going to be parenting differences, and that its extremely difficult for you to change your partners’ parenting style by convincing them.

Pro tip: notice the differences and focus on yourself and your parenting - do your best to ‘lean’ towards the others’ parenting style then consistently tell them about your efforts to parent a little more like they would, and why that's important to you! Them seeing/hearing this is powerfully disarming and will help them really hear your perspective (and be receptive to making some changes themselves).

A common ‘cause’ of issues married couples come into my office telling me about is how they see their partner moving further and further to the ‘other’ side of the spectrum… which causes a reaction to do the opposite… and both parents get more and more extreme (because the other is being ‘too soft’ or ‘too hard’), which leads to a big power struggle.

5. How much Enmeshment vs Differentiation

Put simply, how much ‘us time’ each week does each partner want? A notable difference within the relationship can lead to a constant feeling of a ‘chase’ within the relationship wherein one partner never feels fully connected to or satisfied … and their partner usually has some big emotions come up when they feel they have to constantly push for space.

There are many practical solutions with this, but some form of this is an inevitability within a relationship in the long term.

An awareness of this difference and a consistent, pointed effort is the solution; the partner wanting more separate-ness can ‘put effort in’ to provide more connection (either time or quality - yes, both of which can feel like work!) and the partner wanting more connection can develop some self soothing or distraction strategies (which requires self awareness + effort).

Of course, there is also a question of ‘quality time’ (ex. playing a board game, or going on a walk together), vs just time together (ex. watching Netflix while scrolling on your respective instagram accounts) but you get the idea. 

Pro tip:

(for the person ‘wanting more’) - find a way to give your partner a little more space 1 night/week consistently - go out with a friend every week, have a video game night alone, etc. Let him/her know - we are gonna figure out some extra alone time for you babe.

(for the person ‘needing space’) - Find a way to add-in a little more uninterrupted, 100% focus-on-us-time each week. This can be 10 minutes every tuesday morning, or a whole proper date night each week. You’d be surprised when you get creative that there are probably many times during the week that this can happen. Set a calendar reminder in your phone and you bring the attention to them. Explicitly remind them how much you care about them every time.

6. Sex Desire Discrepancy

In a vacuum, how many times a week/month would each person have sex? Guess what, that number is pretty much always different between partners.

Sometimes this number will decrease for one partner in a subtle, hidden way after they start taking hormonal birth control or antidepressants.

Or this can change in a big obvious way for a time if a partner has an injury causing pain through the days or gets a diagnosis of a serious illness and has no energy for days/weeks on end for example.

In any case, how do we deal with this difference?

There are many strategic or practical ways that couples can help ‘solve’ this issue in a practical sense (a ‘sex schedule’ is a common one), but the key to this, in my view, is to attend to the underlying emotions that come up around sex.

How to attend to frustration is one aspect of this, but very often there is some attachment stuff that comes up when one partner has their sexual advances ‘turned down’ repeatedly over months/years - not feeling enough, not feeling desirable, feeling uncared for - these experiences can create big problems over time and need to be attended to when they happen.

On the flip side, the partner who feels ‘hounded’ by sexual advances does need space! Having ‘no sexual advances’ days each week can be helpful, or (advanced version) tracking your partners cycle and make more advances when ovulation is happening - there is lots of research showing a higher receptivity to advances, the female partner having more sexual thoughts, etc, during ovulation!

Like with all the items on this list - we want to work on ‘flexing’ towards my partners side of the spectrum, but for this one the answer is usually far more nuanced. So, I don’t have a universal pro tip because there is just so much variation between couples. If this is an ongoing issue - please reach out, I can help.

---

In conclusion…

All of the above are problems that come up commonly in couples counselling. While the awareness of these is often very helpful and transformative in itself, there are typically underlying emotions, attachment needs, and fears that govern why this is the way a person does it - and these underlying pieces are things I can help with. 

A word of caution, after positive change there is always a risk of slipping back into a downward spiral wherein each person feels their needs/preferences are discarded by their partner and they start to double-down on their own needs - which will create a power struggle again. While I do need to stay in business as a relationship therapist, I strongly prefer to set-up couples for long term success without me… I half jokingly told my business coach that exactly 0% my business model relies on repeat customers. Hence, building in a way to prevent a ‘relapse’ into a downward spiral is a normal part of my couples therapy process, and is essential for long-term strength and resilience within a marriage.

Softening: The Moment When Healing Begins

Relationships are complex, intricate dances between two individuals, filled with ups and downs, twists and turns. Within the shared journey, couples inevitably find themselves in a tense dispute, an argument where something went wrong and I’m not sure my significant other really cares about me or my needs. Whether its a cataclysmic blow-up or a slow decay, ruptures cause each person to go to their respective corners and do some combination of withdrawal, attack, or get defensive and argue to protect themselves or their perceived future needs from being tossed aside.

In this hostility, there is a moment or an opportunity when one partner softens to the other; creating an opening for a deeper connection to unfold. It is in this moment that relationships can truly flourish, as vulnerability and understanding pave the way for greater intimacy. In this blog post, I’ll give my thoughts on why softening in relationships is so critical and how to do it. I have spent years as a relationship therapist facilitating the transformative power of softening, and I believe it leads to profound growth and healing of the attachment.

First off, Softening in a relationship refers to the act of letting down one's emotional guard, allowing vulnerability and empathy to take center stage. It is a shift in perspective, where one partner opens themselves up to the other's influence, creating space for compassion and understanding. This constitutes a big risk one must take in the moment to ‘put themselves out there’ for their partner and/or speak softly to their partners’ needs, and requires the willingness to let go of defensiveness or resistance.

Softening is not so much about the words one uses, but of the non-verbal communication convaying ‘hey, I dont want to fight you - I just want to figure this out with you’. A quiet, soft, low, and slow voice tone is often a big part of this, as is body language that conveys you are not here to fight - some clients have described this as even submission, defeat, or ‘embodying the mediator’ within themselves. Crash course on body language: Turn your body at a 45 to 90 degree angle from ones’ partner (turning your body so your shoulder points towards them and your chest points not directly at them), uncross your arms, unfurrow your brow, take a deeeeeeeeep breath. Remember: half the speed of the conversation and half your volume.

Softening is the way through conflict. 99.9% of the time, you will not win in the end by besting your partner intellectually, nor by ‘out will-powering’ them. The way to achieve a lasting partnership is by caring about their needs, so they can continue to trust that you will do so (preventing a downward spiral of mistrust and a focus on ones’ own needs). If tension arises, when one partner softens, it sets in motion a chain reaction that will break down emotional barriers and foster an atmosphere of trust and safety. It signifies a willingness to listen, validate, and understand the other person's perspective without judgment. By softening, we communicate to our partner that their emotions and experiences are important and valued, helping them trust that you have their needs in mind as well (even if “this is the hill I will choose to die on”).

Softening involves using empathy. What does that mean? Simple: state your best guess at what emotion they are feeling, and why. Pro tip: use the word because three times. (ex. I think you are angry because you said before that….., and also because this has always been a big deal for you…., and also because…..). It doesnt matter if your guesses are correct - your partner will correct you if you are wrong and you can repeat the correct answer about their feelings that they just gave you! Its a win-win move for you. Remember: we can have empathy for someone without having to agree with their perspectives or perceptions. When we give empathy, we create an environment where both partners feel seen, heard, and understood, strengthening the bond between them.

Softening also enhances emotional resilience within relationships. It requires the courage to acknowledge and address emotional wounds, facilitating healing and growth. As we soften to our partner's vulnerabilities and express our own, we foster an environment of mutual support and acceptance. This, in turn, strengthens the emotional resilience of both individuals and the relationship as a whole. Strategy suggestion: after you soften and change the direction of an awful rupture, do a call-back 1 to 24 hours later; “you know, we really changed the direction of that argument - did you notice that? I appreciate that you said _______, that really helped me feel like things were going to be ok.”

Disclaimer: this does take practice and is really uncomfortable in the beginning, as you have to take some big (feeling) risks. You will get hurt sometimes, as your partner is probably not going to respond optimally every single time. With that said, the moment of softening is a gateway to intimacy long-term. It provides an opportunity for genuine connection, as partners become more attuned to each other's needs, desires, and fears - and how things can go wrong within the relationship. Sometimes we need a professional helper (like me), or even just a third nervous system (like a non-biased friend) to take the edges off of the tension. This deep level of connection will create safety and eventually trust, allowing love and intimacy to flourish. So, let us embrace the softening moments in our relationships and embark on a journey of growth, love, and connection.

How to Validate

How to Validate

-The Single Best Thing You Can Do for Your Relationship -

Relationships that are the most successful are those where both partners share their inner world with one another — their real thoughts, feelings and desires — and where their partner, in turn, is able to really hear them. When you share a validating style of interaction together, you build trust and intimacy. These are the bonds that make relationships last. Research has shown partner validation plays a crucial role in promoting positive outcomes within relationships, including increased well-being, intimacy, emotional resilience, and relationship satisfaction (see the End note for some specific research articles).

This is the technique ‘validation’ as I see it:

“I think you are feeling __(emotion)__ because…..

And also because…

And also because…”

To validate, you must label the emotion that you think your partner is feeling - with the 6 core emotions being: sadness, happiness, fear, anger, surprise and disgust. Then stretch yourself to understand by making three ‘guesses’ about why they felt that way - ie. use the word because three times. Here are some helpful points to keep in mind during the process:

1. Mindful listening is the first component of validation. This means you really pay attention to what your partner is saying. As difficult as it might be, suspend your own judgments and reactions to the situation or topic. Temporarily let go of the need to advise, change, help or fix the situation. Your own thoughts are put on the back burner; your focus, instead, is on your partner’s current experience. Show you are listening by stopping what you are doing (closing the laptop, turning off the TV), turning to face them, nodding your head, and making eye contact as they talk.

2. Acknowledging and accepting is the next step in validation. This means you acknowledge what they’ve said or what they are feeling. You might say, “I can see you’re upset about this,” or “You seem discouraged” in response to their news about having to work over the weekend. Rather than trying to cheer your partner up, you allow them space to be upset.

3. Validating does not equal agreeing. An important distinction is that you can accept your partner’s feelings, but it doesn’t mean you need to agree with them. For instance, say that you go to see a movie together. Afterward, you discuss your thoughts about the film. Your partner found it entertaining and funny, while you found it boring and predictable. You might validate their point of view by saying, “It sounds like you really liked the movie. It wasn’t my favorite, but I can tell that you had fun watching it.” In this example, you’re acknowledging your partner’s enjoyment of something, without sharing the same sentiment.

4. Ask questions. If your partner presents a problem or difficult situation to you, try to find out more about how they are feeling and what they want by asking open-ended questions. “What do you wish would happen?” “What was your reaction to that?” “How are you feeling about things now?” Gently asking questions to clarify their experience can be very gratifying for them. It shows you care and want to really listen.

5. Show you understand. Use validating statements such as, “I would feel that way, too,” or “It makes sense to me that you’d feel that way given the circumstances” to let them know you see why they feel the way they do. You can also show validation with non-verbals, such as giving them a hug if they feel lonely, making them a cup of tea if they feel jittery, or giving them space if they need time to think.

While the concept of validation may seem simple, it can be hard to execute when you have your own big emotional reaction / experience in the moment. This is where the skill comes in - and trust me, this is a skill that most people (myself included) have to work at and develop with practice. Notice how emotions show up for you - in your body, with certain thoughts, and what behavioural impulses you may tend to do. By bringing more awareness to ones’ own emotional reactions, we widen the window to change course and change the pattern of interaction that isn’t optimal (invalidation). Practice the technique (label the emotion) then use the three ‘becauses’ - in moments that aren’t so evocative for you, so you can be more ready to use this when it really counts.

Practice makes perfect.

Jeff

End Note: There is a growing body of research in psychology that supports the idea that partner validation can lead to improved outcomes in various aspects of a relationship. Here are a few key studies that demonstrate this:

1. Reis, H. T., Sheldon, K. M., Gable, S. L., Roscoe, J., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). Daily well-being: The role of autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 26(4), 419-435.

   • This study found that individuals who perceived their partners as more validating experienced greater daily well-being. Validation from a partner was associated with feelings of competence and autonomy, which contributed to positive outcomes.

2. Laurenceau, J. P., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (1998). Intimacy as an interpersonal process: The importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness in interpersonal exchanges. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1238-1251.

   • This research highlighted the significance of perceived partner responsiveness in fostering intimacy. When partners responded to each other's self-disclosure in a validating and understanding manner, it led to increased intimacy and relationship satisfaction.

3. Grewal, L., Porter, A. M., & Kang, M. (2020). Spouse validation buffers the adverse effects of low self-esteem on daily negative affect. Personality and Individual Differences, 160, 109957.

   • This study demonstrated that when individuals with low self-esteem received validation from their spouses, it acted as a buffer against daily negative affect. Partner validation helped to mitigate the detrimental impact of low self-esteem on emotional well-being.

4. Impett, E. A., Gable, S. L., & Peplau, L. A. (2005). Giving up and giving in: The costs and benefits of daily sacrifice in intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 89(3), 327-344.

   • This research explored the role of partner validation in relationship sacrifice. The study found that individuals who perceived their partners as validating were more willing to make sacrifices for the relationship. Moreover, these sacrifices were associated with greater relationship satisfaction and commitment.

Overall, these studies suggest that partner validation plays a crucial role in promoting positive outcomes within relationships, including increased well-being, intimacy, emotional resilience, and relationship satisfaction.